I have wanted to write about our experience being a family
of 5 for a while. But for a few reasons I just haven’t been able to. Mainly
because our lives have been up side down with 3 very small people running our
house hold ! Secondly it’s so difficult putting my thoughts into words; like
it’s hard explaining excruciating pain to someone … so it is explaining the
degree of chaos, frustration and hard work we’ve been dealing with. And lastly
I don’t want to sound negative, ungrateful or put any of my kids in a bad
light. But I so need to also just pour out on paper what’s in my heart. Cause
even if it’s “bad” it’s real and part of our journey, and that’s ok. I want to
remember the good times as well as the hard times. It’s all part of the
picture. So I’m going to talk about what we’ve been going thru the last year.
Last year January Ruby was born. Lexi was 16 months at the
time and Lily 28 months. That might sound frightening but the first 3 months
were actually ok and we did good. Ruby was a super cute baby and relatively
easy. She slept a lot during the day and good at night. The girls enjoyed their
little sister and loved being around her. But when Ruby was about 4 months old
things started getting more challenging. Ruby was a normal baby that needed
attention and affection but by now Lexi was almost two and the “terrible 2’s”
became more visible ! Let me just back track here quickly regarding Lexi. Lexi
was born with bad colic and we pretty soon realized Lexi was a very “high need”
little lady. Explain the pain of having a leg amputated being awake … yeah that
feeling you getting in your gut ... that’s about what Lexi’s been putting us through.
There isn’t really words … Lexi needs one of us all to her self 24/7. If you
haven’t had a “high need” child you will just think we did something wrong or
that we just shouldn’t have allowed it. But with Lexi it was her way or
meltdown city ! And most often there was actually nothing we could do the calm
her, console her or satisfy her unreasonable needs. At almost three now she
still has bad day’s but if we handle it right and there’s someone at her beck
and call we get thru most of it ok. As
an example of the behavior she has; we (me, Anna and all 3 of them) were in Pick and Pay buying few groceries. We
were almost done when Lexi needed to wee. So Anna quickly took her to the car,
where we have a travel potty. They waited at the car and we were there in 10
minutes. When we got to the car Lexi gave me a very unhappy look and asked at
the top of her voice “ Did you pay already ?” and I said yes cause Ruby’s needs
to get home cause she’s difficult and I’m in a hurry ! Again with even more
passion she said but she wanted to give my card to pay … I tried to negotiate,
beg and reason but with no success. So with a very difficult baby we all went
back into P&P bought yogurt and bread so she could pay. As I put her in the
car annoyed as hell she said “thank you mamma I really just wanted to pay”
still teary about the fact that we didn’t wait for her in the first place.
She has a way of wanting to go back to where things make
sense to her if you scrambled any events to her liking. She will ask me to put
on her shoes. I’ll lift her up and carry her to the kitchen counter to put her
down so I can put she shoes on. Next moment she’ll have a meltdown, and after
half an hour of crying she’ll say I was suppose to put the shoes on where she
told me to. So it will cost taking the shoes off and go back to the EXACT spot
where she was and put it on there. Or she’ll ask me to pick her up in a mall. I
will sometimes give 3 more steps before picking her up only to see she’s still
3 steps back. She will open her legs slightly wider and make a stance as to say
“pick me up HERE”. I have on DVD a clip where she has a meltdown standing on
her hands and feet, pushing the floor with her hands screeeeeeeeeeaming “ This
floor needs to be away, take it away, I don’t want the floor here”. If Lexi was
my one and only child all these frustrating and stubborn ways would be ok I
suppose. But with two other small children it freaks me out beyond words. But
there’s nothing I can do about it. If I dare raise my voice or chance my tone
of voice, threaten or scold she has a meltdown with no return for hours. So
I’ve learned to very carefully tip toe around her, asking permission to offer her
a fruit, if I can put her in the car or if I can tie her loose shoe lace. If
you’re busy thinking how YOU would sort out a child like her … it just means you
have never met a high need child. There’s no fixing or changing her. JP and I
have sort off come to the conclusion based on lots of observing and analyzing
many situations, that her body is not performing as her mind instructs fast
enough. She knew she did not want to wear a nappy at 18 months and used the potty,
but with to many oopsies we forced her to wear a nappy. At 23 months, one sunny
morning she took off her nappy and never wore one again. Still with a few
oopsies but she didn’t care. She just knows what she wants but sometime
struggles to physically do it and it frustrates her beyond words. By 16 months
she used 100 words and by 2 spoke in 15 word sentences. Lexi is so sweet and
fragile but so strong and demanding. Because of her our household is constantly
under a lot of pressure and it’s really hard getting things done while not
upsetting her little world. We can’t dare change anything or move furniture
cause it rocks her world to much.
OK so that Lexi and her input in our family. Lily is our 3
year old. The oldest and self appointed chief in charge. She makes sure things
go her way even if she needs to use force. Not that anybody else is aloud to
point a finger, talk loud or be rude. She asked her Dad over the weekend why is
he’s in a bad mood. She is extremely out spoken in a well spoken LOUD way !!!
She screams NO as loud as her voice can go. She is very rough and really my
wild one. She is free emotionally and open to anything and flexible to any
change. She is a beauty queen but love playing dolls more.
She really doesn’t like sharing me and as desperate as I am
for adult conversation she tells me I’m not allowed to talk to my friends when
we meet. I have to beg and pull out party trick getting her to allow me to talk
for 15 min with an adult. She just wants me all to herself. I am actually amazed
that I still have friends cause she makes any visit unbearable. She annoys my
friend’s kids and cry and screams and makes trouble till I walk away with her
leaving them behind. It makes me feel so irritated I want to grab my friend get
in my car and drive to a “kidless” coffee shop !
As soon as she has me all to herself, she’s so affectionate. She keeps me on such a high standard of self control. If I sigh before saying
something, she’ll ask me why I am talking “loud”, sensing that sigh was out of
irritability. If I get quiet around Lexi
throwing a tantrum trying to control myself Lily will start crying saying I
make her so heart sore … she feels my upsetness and I’m not even aloud to feel
upset never mind dare say a harsh word. She gets terrified if I get cross and
she starts crying. She is so in-tune with me it actually scares me. I am pushed
beyond what I can handle with our setup, sleep deprivation and back that’s
killing me but I am not aloud to feel annoyed, angry, upset, tired or drained
cause if Lily catches on I will be in deep trouble. She’s like a person with a
split personality, changing from Gruela Devil to Bambi in 5seconds flat and
back again. Last night she told me she loves me as much as all the city lights,
so sweet. Next morning she told me I was a stupid pig when I didn’t allow her
to throw Ruby with a block. Behavior like throwing blocks or name calling is
NOT allowed but with our parenting style it take a bit longer getting them to
understand why not to do it. OK so
that’s our precious Lily.
Back to Ruby. Like I said she was fine till about 3/4 months
…Ruby the baby … The monster. The pest. The pain. Only joking, sort of. That’s
what Lily calls her now. From 4 months to now at 15 months everything is a blur
of sleep deprivation, endless walk rocking her to sleep, lots of crying, having
her in a sling half of the day. And now at 15 months it’s a huge challenge.
Ruby has become a hand full to say the least. She can now walk, touch, grab,
push, poke, scratch, bite, pinch and scream on the top of her voice if she’s
not aloud to do any of the above. We have constant screaming of Ruby grabbing
Lexi’s doll then Lily slapping Ruby. Or Ruby pinching Lily then Lily hit her
with a block. So now I have Ruby on the hip as much as possible to keep her
away from Lily and Lexi. Ruby is a mommies-girl in any case and wants to be in
my arms 90% of the time. It’s driving me nuts !! So with a 10kg baby on the hip
with a very sore back I have to do everything; make lunch, mix paint, wipe of
bums, pack the baby bag, take a wee, change DVD’s, dress dolls and console any
other kid screaming. And remember I have to say very happy and cheerful with no
fake smiles. It’s always been difficult having a baby with two toddles, but
have 3 toddlers is taking a toll on me like nothing has ever done. I feel
dizzy, nauseous, faint, bewildered and on the brink of tears 99% of the day. The
stress and exhaustion is overwhelming. Ruby is at the cutest stage ever if it’s
your first child or any other kids are in school. But in my set up she’s a
monster. She is teething so she’s sooooooo difficult and demanding most of the
time. Crying, screaming and just not knowing how to escape the pain. She can
not sit still at a restaurant, in front of a TV or in a car seat. She’s doesn’t stop moving. She wants
everything she sees. She’s obsessed with remotes, phones and scissors and will
take any child down to get it in her hands. You can’t negotiate or reason with
her. She’s still a baby with a body that can go places now and she’s not afraid
to go. She is constantly looking for Lily and Lexi and want to be with them and
do what they do. At time she actually wants to go down out my arms, but then I
have Lily and Lexi screaming for me to take her away. If they paint she wants
to throw over the paint jars. If they draw she wants to tear the paper. If they
sit on the potty she wants to see the pee. If they eat she wants to grab their
food. She’s as such an impossible stage in our circumstance. If I close a door
to keep her away from them she only bangs on it and yells till I open. I have
now resorted to putting their small table on top of my dinning room table …
living on the edge !
I carry her often
just to keep her away, but she wrestles in my arms to get down to go annoy her
sisters. I want to put her down cause my back hurts but I don’t dare !
That’s some info on each girl individually. Putting these
three together is like an explosion of chaos like you’ve never seen. I am
always 5 steps behind. I don’t know how I’m still standing, but by the grace of
God, seriously, I am. Things that get me down the most are the constant crying,
screaming or whining. Not a minute goes by without “mamma!” being hollered from
somewhere. The constant demand for my attention; to open something, to close
something, to lift something, to fix something …it never stops. The amount of
effort that goes into the simplest things just wears me down…like giving the
chickens food becomes a huge fight cause someone isn’t happy that someone else
opened the outside room’s door first. I often have 3 little ones crying
desperately, each with a different problem and needing my attention. I have to
then choose whom I’ll pick up and help. Then help the next one. It hurts me so
much to see the others wait in desperation for me. The huge problem is all 3
get hungry more or less the same time. All three are starving in the morning,
not one eats the same breakfast as the other. Lily has oats, Lexi French toast
and Ruby scramble eggs. All three are tired by the end of the day. All three are
irritable after a long outing. All three need a bath at the end of the day.
Nothing in our life is quickly. You don’t quickly go to buy
bread. It’s an hour exercise and the shop is 3min from my house. By the time
I’m back I’m exhausted. Everything is a mission. Pulling a train is easier than
leaving the house to go drink a coffee. I have to pack little lunch boxes with
snacks, make tea bottles and pack a baby bag with extra clothes and a list of
other things as long as my arm.
But I think what depresses the most is that
know understands what I’m going thru. Having this specific situation with Lexi
and two other small kids is a life I do on my own with no support, no grannies,
sisters, nannies or playgroups. It’s
just us. I feel so alone. Like a dear friend said to me the other day, raising
a child takes a village … but I am an Island.
No one get what we’re going thru. I get angry at people for the looks I get and
the silly remarks. Some things people say really just make me realize they have
no clue what I’m going thru, and that just makes me feel alone even more. I
know just like you can’t measure pain you can’t measure frustration. So a mommy
with a first child feels her life is upside down compared to her single life,
so yes, she is at the maximum for her situation, but thinking me and her are under
the same pressure is incorrect. And her thinking she understands what I’m going
thru is totally wrong. And her telling me I should just relax and enjoy them
while they so small cause its over soon … makes me want to … (not gonna say it
) !!!!! JP and I haven’t been out in 3.5 (THREE AND A HALF) years YEARS except for one night rushing to a special
friend’s birthday for 2 hours. We left after Lily and Lexi were sleeping, but
back before anything happened, while Anna was there for them. They have never
been without us in 3.5 years except for Lily that went to play with a friend
for the first time alone last month. Ruby take long morning naps so once or
twice a week I leave her with Anna for the morning just so Lily and Lexi can
get some quality time with me. We just don’t get a break. We never relax and
never chill without the kids. NEVER
!!!!!!!
It has been such a hard year, and it’s still hard now. I so
want to enjoy them at this age. But there’s just no time. Their precious
littleness is slipping through my fingers and it breaks my heart. I am happy on
the other hand that they are getting bigger and more independent in many ways.
Other people look forward to weekends and public holidays.
WE DON’T !! To us that is just a time we dread ! Even Christmas and Easter long
weekend is only to be put through torture slowly … cause we don’t have Anna to
help. So on her off days I have to do the domestic duties as well. But it is
just not possible for me to do that so the house ends up looking like something
I’ve only seen on an Opera show where she showed how the dirtiest people live.
It’s not my choice but I really just cannot get to clean up.
We are raising our kids the “Gentle parenting” method.
Although you wouldn’t say it’s gentle at first glance. My kids are loud,
outspoken and wild because we give them that freedom on purpose. They are
allowed to speak their minds no matter what they have to say. They are aloud to
express their feeling and emotion through yelling, crying and screaming. They
have freedom regarding their bodies and they choose their cloths, hairstyles, where they sleep and what they eat. The gentle part comes in, in how we guide them to
make good and fair and honorable decisions. I want my girls to not hurt other
kids cause they respect other people, and not out of fear for a hiding. I want
my kids to always tell the truth cause they value trust in a relationship and
not out fear fear for consequences. I want my girls to treat people with unconditional love
cause they were treated with unconditional love, and not only when someone
deserves it. In my house they are being treated as if they are perfect, not that
they are by a loooooooong shot yet. But the gentle parenting method teaches by
example, communication and love with patience ! Lily still scratches her
sisters and we are constantly explaining why it’s wrong and how to handle her
anger in a better way and we know by the time she conquers that it will be for
a lifetime and she’ll be proud of it. Till then we separate them most f the
time. I don’t want them to “behave” out of fear for punishment, because they
will then just wait till they know they can’t be caught to do it. We want them
to live in love, and the only way to do that is love them 100% of the time. We
don’t hit, threaten, manipulate, shame or punish them. We don’t train them,
cause they not dogs. We guide them to make good decisions from the heart.
Punishment makes a child feel like he's a bad person, which is always a
self-fulfilling prophecy, so he's more likely to repeat the bad behavior
Because kids invariably consider punishment unfair, it
teaches kids that might makes right and abuse of power is ok -- which makes
kids less likely to make moral choices.
Punishment--yes, even timeouts--erode
our relationship with our child, so that she isn't as invested in pleasing
us. And the more disconnected she feels from us, the worse her behavior. Punishment makes kids look out only
for themselves and blame others, rather than caring about how their behavior
affects others.
All three our girls sleep with us in our beds ! Lily slept
with JP from a year till about 2 months ago when she decided to join me and the
other two in the pink room, saying JP snores too much. I now feel like a hen
with my little chicks and just love it. I am looking forward to the night they
don’t need me anymore and I can join my hubby’s bed again. But I first want my
girls to love the night and sleep with confidence, something babies are not
born with. Don’t believe me … leave a baby alone and hear the screams !!!
The fact that I’m able to write this is a sign that things
are getting better. We are probably at the point of equilibrium. Things are not
getting worse and probably better soon. I can see glimmers of light at the end
of the dark tunnel. That’s why I wanted to write down how things have been
before I forget. Cause isn’t it amazing who we forget the “bad” soooooo quickly.
And its not that I want to focus on the bad but I just want to make a note of
it. I know we are soon gonna breath again and thing are going to get better
soon, and before I forget I need to say what I did above. This is obviously only a glimpse into our life, there's loads more to tell, but I was wanted to write down the some of it.
In conclusion I would not have done our family planning any
different. I also feel that it was a calling on my life to have 3 kids close to each other. I believe God has a plan, that doesn't make sense right now but in 20 years it might. I just wish I was a bit more prepared emotionally, it such a thing
is possible. I love my three girls so close together. I see such an awesome
future for them. I know when we not there for them they’ll have each other.
They are going to be best friends. I won’t change a thing even if I could go
back …
