Waiting to hold my Levi again ...

This song describes how I feel about me going through this miscarriage. I say "going through this miscarriage" because I am still going trough it and I think I probably will for the rest of my life. I think I will long for him to be born forever ... to hold him and know him. I won't loose him even tho I've lost him for now. Everyday of my life I'll be waiting actively, as if it's an activity,  to hold and touch him and raise him. I want to wake up in heaven and find him 12 weeks old and raise him from that moment. I am not prepared to loose a moment of his life. To me this is just a "pause" that will continue !! Till then I long for him, but content and at peace that I will have my baby with me, and in my arm again.

Levi's full life

In November 2013 we heard God whisper in our hearts to have  another baby. We thought we heard God say it would be a girl and we should call her Emma Rose. We conceived that same month with great excitement.

14 weeks later, on 9 Feb 2014 we were visiting friends for the afternoon. During the afternoon I saw I was having some light spotting and also had some mild cramps. We got home around 8pm, and I saw more blood. I told JP this was not good but I'm sure it will be better in the morning. I went to bed around 10pm. From around 1am the next morning I woke up from very painful cramps. I rolled up into a ball shut my eyes as tight as possible and kept on saying its fine, maybe I'm dreaming. I did not acknowledge the pain cause that would mean I know what was about to happen. And I will NOT have a miscarriage. The pain got so intense I couldn't lie still thru the contraction being so painful but I still thought it was a nightmare and I must just NOT open my eye or get up cause that would mean I give in to what was happening. I was so scared. At around 2:30am I got up to go drink 2 Panados and drink water. I could barely stand thru each contraction, so I rushed back to my dark bed and  tried to sleep so the morning could come and with light all would be ok. I was laying there thinking everything will be ok and then my water broke ... so did my heart into a million pieces  ... I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and felt my tiny tiny baby being born. I took him with my one hand. I looked at the baby in my hand, and sobbed. This was not happening. This is not right. Not me. Other people have miscarriages ... not me. The only thing that consoled me was that it was the most beautiful little wonder I've ever seen. Under 3 months old, I haven't even started showing yet, but still this perfectly formed little human was hidden deep inside of me.  So small yet so perfect. Little ears, fingers and a penis. That gave me a shock. Why does Emma have a penis ...
I called JP and he walked into the toilet seeing our precious son in my hand. His eyes was so sad, it made my stomach turn. He just said "I'm so sorry my love."  I got my camera and took photos of my beautiful baby.

Capturing this photo was nothing short of a miracle, but in the chaos, weak and with bloody hands I just had to. Perfection like this had to be captured. Thank God I got some photos to share with you the miracle of life, normally hidden away.


Even though we barely made a sound all three the girls woke up. They felt something happened. I put my baby boy down and made the girls each a bottle of tea, and we layed down with them till they settled. I felt the placenta coming and went back to the toilet. Some blood and placenta did come out. I took a quick bath. JP and I went to sit on the couch and had a cup of tea and talked a bit. JP had to go to work as they had a mayor shipment to go out that day and there was just no other way. He woke Justin to come and sit by me, and left for work. I went back to the toiled and a gush of blood and placenta came out, and I bled so much I was so frightened beyond words.  I started getting very dizzy, sweating profusely, my whole body tingling. I could barely breath, and felt I was loosing consciousness. I had no strength to talk or move. Just at that moment a fresh cool breeze came thru the toilet window and I soaked it up. I came to. It took all my strength to get up and go to lounge. Justin met me half way and helped me to the couch. I was grey in color and so weak. He open all the window and the fresh air was my saving grace.
We talked a bit and Justin was frantically searching on the ipad what to do after such great blood loss. But slowly I felt better after he made me a smoothy. 
Thank goodness the girls slept a till 7:30. By then I was ok. To weak to get up, but ok. Justin and Annah gave them breakfast and they sat by me, not knowing what happened. I had no strength and was just so weak. I was still bleeding but stable. Took me forever going to the bathroom and back, could barely walk so weak.

Later that morning I told the girls what happened and showed them their brother. They were in love at first sight. They were also amazed at the wonder of such a perfect little human.

They each got a turn to hold him and kiss him good buy. His little body was starting to deteriorate by the hour and I wanted to put him to rest.  

 In Lily's hand

In Lexi's hand

They just didn't want to let go. They were so overwhelmed by his beauty. This experience have build there faith and they are in awe of how amazing God is to make a little human this perfect.

For the rest of the day I sat on the couch and was just served by friends and Justin. We cried and talked and watched DVD's and just chilled. I had a few times where I was about to faint again, but by the end of the day I was strong enough to walk outside.

JP managed to get away from work around 3pm and he bought a beautiful pot and a Olive tree on his way home. Lily made Levi a little bed on purple velvet in the bottom of the pot. We wrapped him in blue tissue paper.  We planted our Olive tree with Levi.   

Our Olive tree is right outside my kitchen door. We say hallo to Levi every time we walk by. The kids put toys, flowers, feathers, stuffed animals and anything special to them in and around the pot.

Based on his measurements at birth it is estimated that Levi's heart stopped at around 12/13 weeks. Babies stop growing the moment their hearts stop. Just before his conception I felt God say I should NOT go for a sonar during this pregnancy. God knew if I would go for a 12 week sonar I would be told that he is no longer alive and that it would be torment waiting for nature to take it's course. I would not have done a D&C as I would want my baby to be born into my hands and be with us. I would want him to be born in dignity and surrounded by love. I was very ill the last 2/3 weeks before his birth, possibly because he was no longer alive and my body was under stress preparing his birth. It was a difficult pregnancy with loads of nausea. I experienced it as a full term pregnancy. I really struggled to get to 14 weeks. 

14 weeks might seem like a short time. But Levi lived a full life. His life was nothing less than a old man dying at 80 who had a full and rich life with love and purpose. And this might sound strange, but I believe for the purpose God created this little boy, his life was the perfect time. He needed to live 14 weeks to fulfill his created purpose. And then he was done and moved on as a happy, content person, just the same as the old man of 80. 

2 days after his birth his purpose has already started with a ripple effect. Most amazing thing happened. I sent my friend who does 4D sonars, the above photos. One of her patients were a mom who wanted to have an abortion, being accompanied by her mother, who hoped the sonar would convince her to not do the abortion. A sonar doesn't really show the detail of her 12 week old baby, and didn't change her opinion. My friend then showed her the email and the photos, and she decided she couldn't go thru with an abortion. If Levi lived longer he would not have had much impact cause most abortions are done before 12 weeks and he shows the miracle of life at that age. The clinic nurse where my friend worked  was so touched by the photos she wants to print them and show it to woman who come in planning abortions and hopefully convince them otherwise. At the age of 12 weeks he has already saved one life, and hopefully many more. He is not with us anymore but the ripple effect of his life is savings lives. 

During my pregnancy I thought if this was a boy I would call him Levi, never really thinking about it, cause it wouldn't be a boy. I've been reading up on the meaning of the name that mysteriously dropped into my heart. In the old testament you will find the tribe of Levi. One of the 12 tribes. The Levites served at the Tabernacle. They were not counted for military service in the armies of Israel, but were set apart for service to God. God was the unique inheritance to the Levites. He was the focus of their service, the source of their sustenance, and the significance of their calling. Their inheritance included cities, daily food, and a constant vocation, but it did not include the same type of land inheritance given to the other tribes of Israel.

I now realize my little Levi was truly set apart for service to God.

I also believe Levi took the place of his sister Emma still to come. None of us experienced loss during this. Because we didn't loose Emma. Her name is still on her wall and we still talk of her as if she's coming. This little baby who was born at 14 weeks was not our Emma. But God sent Levi because He knew my pregnancy would only last 14 weeks. Levi was created to live 14 weeks, and have a legacy saving other lives. He saved Emma's life with his. 

I have fallen in love with this little boy instantly and morn for him, but I am so proud of my boy. He has tough me so much overnight. There are times I miss him so much I cant breath. I cant wait to get to heaven and pick him up in my arm and just hold him, telling him how awesome he is !

Levi stands in full time ministry, and may his life be a blessing to this world. Feel free to share his story.  
 

Painting of life

I have realized something so profound... well for me in any case !!

The world we live is like the most beautiful painting you've ever seen. One rich in color and detail. The painting has lots of color in it from white to black, all the colors and every shade there is. All the colors and shade are necessary.

In the world there are different types of people making up a beautiful "painting of life". Every human is a color or a shade in this painting and so necessary. The spineless, characterless, boring represent white and the judgmental, arrogant, opinionated and radical represent black. And in between are red for the passionate, green for the naturalists,  blue for the cruel, yellow for the friendly, purple for the fairies and pink for the sweeties. But in between there are a million different shades of these colors. And it's good. All the colors are needed and necessary to make this "painting" beautiful. A painting without the dark and black would be flat without any contrast and without any white be dreary and gloomy. And every shade in between just makes the painting perfect as a whole, full of life and detail !!!

So now when I talk or meet with people and I dont like what they say or do, I just think to myself this a necessary shade of grey, orange, turquoise, peach or cream that makes the painting of life beautiful. This person is not my color and that's OK, cause if the entire painting was  shades of burgundy what a dull painting it would be.

 

Precious memories

 Since before you were conceived I've been keeping a journal for each of you. Here I write everything I feel about you and all the events in our lives. It's just captured it in short, but so awesome to read about things I would have forgotten about. I write all the funny things you do and say and all the sweetness about you. I write down your first 100 words, all your milestones ... 1st step, tooth, word, wave and all the rest. I even allow you to scribble on a few pages.

You each also have a box with all your very special goodies in. Things like you 1st dummy, bottle, blanket, toy. Your positive pregnancy test and the scissors we cut your cord. The clothes you wore the day you were born and outfits you wore a lot. Your 1st pair of shoes and slippers. Stuff from your 1st birthday. And whatever is really special.

Lily you, in particular love and I mean LOVE looking through your box and want me to read from your journal all the times. If your journal were the only book in our house you would be happy. When you go through emotionally unhappy time we just go to a quiet spot and I read to you from you journal and you just absolutely melt and calm down. I think to hear I just adored you as a baby and all the cute things you did, makes you feel so loved and that gives you security and comfort !!  

I have to say I get so emotional going through the box, there so many special memories.

My plan is to give you each your journals and box when you're pregnant with your first baby.

Sleeping

 
The other night I just had to take a pic of each of you sleeping. Wow so sweet !!

There is just something so magical about little ones sleeping. 

Doll's nursery

You girls looooooooove playing with your dolls in the nursery. Here you feed, play and change their nappies.

This entire room is your domain and you have such happy moments here daily.

Camping in our Backyard

Loads of fun to go camping, especially when it's walking distance from the kitchen. You girls planned on sleeping in the tent, but when it got dark you wanted to go inside. Think we will practice this a bit more before we attempt going into the wild ...

Gorgeous girls

We set up the tent and daddy started a fire.

Miss Cutie

Went for a bath inside and came out again to camp away !! Did some research on Scorpions and camping on ipad.

Lily went to fetch Lente our Guinea pig to play inside the tent a bit.

Sun set braai

Me and the girlies !! Love you loads

Lily's favorite food - sausage !! Yummy !!

It was so much fun, and you loved camping at home.

Our precious Abby

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really. ~Agnes Sligh Turnbull

 

 

 Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies. ~Gene Hill

Lily 3 months old with  Abby 

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Caras

Justin and Abby taking a nap

 

 My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

 JP and Abby on the phone

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams 

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. ~Phil

    Lily 2 years old with Abby

 Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Caras

 The more I see of man, the more I like dogs. ~Mme. de Staël

  

Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads. -Harry S. Truman

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. ~Franklin P. Jones

  Lexi 1 year old and Abby

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went

 If a dog's prayers were answered, bones would rain from the sky. -Old Proverb

 

Our friend Stephanie playing with Abby

 

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

  Ruby 5 months old with Abby

  

All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." ~ Samuel Butler

  Abby at kids door in the morning waiting for them to wake up

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -Ogden Nash

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made

Lexi 3 years old with Abby

 

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. -Josh Billings

Making a baby with love.

Being somewhat of a control freak each one of your lives were planned. Having a baby was a seriously planned adventure to us. There's a few specific events during that initial period of your life's that I dearly treasure, and so enjoyed.  It's moments and memories carved into my inner being.

I loved that moment, the second,  where your dad's and my hearts merged into one and we both agreed that we want a baby. Before that you was a idea, a maybe, a thought or a possibility. But at that moment you become a fact and a reality to us. And so it always started. There was a moment that we agreed our lives will be incomplete without you. All of a sudden there's life in the air around us. Excitement beyond words.

I loved monitoring, following and keeping tract of my menstrual cycle. I used online fertility calendars and used high-lighters and personal abbreviations on my personal notes to  determine exactly when I would be the most fertile. I loved waiting for the signs and counting down to the days we would conceive you.

 Lily and Lexi's fertility map notes

I love making love to make a baby. It's different from doing it for fun. It's passionate and exciting.  So much more power in it. Moments that pulled your dad's heart and mine even closer together. I recall those baby making sessions and treasure those memories above all the other times. Making love to make a baby is done with purpose, and nothing compares to that.

 Daddy getting out the shower after making Lexi. He looks happy hey !!

I love the horrid two-week-wait to see if we conceived or not. Each day hoping to feel a early symptom. Hoping to feel nausea, ridiculous as that may be. Every day felt like a year. 14 days when I couldn't focus on anything else but hoping to be pregnant. We were blessed wit a baby each time we tried to conceive. 

 Out of Ruby's journal as I keep track of every day from conception to a positive on test (14 days)

I loved all the home pregnancy tests I did. Being as anxious as I am I did many. I knew I did them to early but I just had to know. Oh and what a moment when I saw that positive. Total ecstasy. Joy beyond words. I kept a positive pregnancy test of each of you.

 Ruby's positive pregnancy test.

I loved announcing you were on your way. I sent a message to everybody I knew a day or two after I got a positive home pregnancy test.

    This was Ruby's announcement. The other two were sent via sms.

I loved keeping tract of your development from where the sperm connected with the egg,  forming a Zygote then a Morula then a Blastocyst. This is all before the baby has attached to my womb,still in the first week of pregnancy. I followed your development day by day for 280 days.

 Out of Lily's journal (21 days old)

I love choosing a name. Also a magical moment when we just KNEW !!!!! With Lily we had the name before we even tried to conceive. With Ruby I had the idea of using another L name but after you heard the name Ruby from a friend, Chantal, you wanted that name and woke me up at night with Ruby in my thoughts. It is so much fun deciding on a name. To be in the position where I had the power choose a name you would be called over you everyday for the rest of your life was so powerful. Each one of you got a name we thought about long and hard analyzing every part of the meaning. Lily of the valley, a flower describing Jesus who was pure and humble amongst many attributes. Lexi, female, shortened version of Alexander the great, meaning Defender of mankind. And Ruby, The ruby was one of the stones in the high priest's breastplate (Ex 28:17). I believe each one of your names were inspired and will be connected to your created purpose. 

  A piece of scrap paper I played around with when choosing Lexi's name.

I loved going for sonars that was done by such a special lady, Heidi whom became such a dear friend. The effort she put in so I could see my precious baby's faces. Truly a science miracle to take a  peep right into heaven. Oh my word ... unless you've experienced it, you will not know the thrill. 

 

This was 4D (video) of Ruby yawning 

I loved fixing up your room. Each had a special and unique theme. Lily was froggies. Lexi ladybirds and Ruby butterflies. Long story behind why ...

Lexi's room. Don't think she slept here for more than a few afternoon naps ;)

I loved going for a preggies photo shoot and getting cute pic's of my baby bump. 

Preggie shoot being preggies with Lily, Lexi and Ruby

I LOVED ABOVE ALL, GIVING BIRTH !!!!!

 Precious Ruby born into my arms with daddy and Lily by our side. It was past Lexi's bedtime.

 I loved announcing to the world that you were born. Each one of your birth announcements were sent the same day you were born.

This was Lexi's birth announcement

So many precious memories to the start of your lifes. You girls are my live !!!