An owl brought a message ...

Almost a week after I lost our second baby. Physically I'm doing real good. But as expected I am filled with uncertainty. So many things I just dont understand and wish I had answers for. But I dont, and probably wont till the day I am in the loving arms of God. I know all will make sense then. Till then I'm just staying safe in His love.

Four wonderful things happened today in which I feel God really spoke to me and gave me peace.

JP and I was chatting this morning and he just said that in God there is Grace for us. Even if I did something wrong God will not hold it against me but through Grace we will conceive again sometime. That made me change Emma second name to Grace ... Emma Grace ... She will be our baby out of grace.

Then a friend sent me this beautiful scripture John 16.33 "...in Me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world u have tribulation and trail and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer (take courage, be confident) for I have overcome the world (I have deprived it of power to harm you and I have conquered for you)." I just know God is still in control and all is still good. Thanks H xxx

Another extraordinary (very unusual and/or remarkable) friend phone just to check how I was doing. Not of the same faith as I (not that I care), but confirmed to me that God is light, God is pure and God is love. I am just so convinced that God is talking to me and loving me through those next to my side. Thanks C xxx

Then just to show off, as God often spoils me with His surprises and love ... a owl came to sit on my neighbors roof hooting and talking to me where I was in bed. I got up to see this majestic awesome creature outside my window ... OMW I was so overwhelmed. This is the second time it's happened. The previous time was in the month I conceived last. Emma's theme have been owls since I conceived the first time. Her room was painted and decorated with owls. We have been buying and collecting owls stuff since we planned her. So a owl is of significant meaning in regard to our Emma. Seeing this owl was like I messenger sent by Emma saying "Hallo mamma, how you doing ? I'm ok, just relax. I am safe"

I went out side to take a picture

Rest in peace Baby Olive

On the 3rd of September we lost our little baby. I decided to call him/her Baby Olive cause he/she was the size of an olive the time of  passing.
It was a relative easy miscarriage at home with no complications. I will bury Baby Olive's remains with Levi in our beautiful Olive (coincidence ? ) tree pot.
At this stage I'm doing fine. Still processing it. So surprised that it happened. So confused about the future.
I trust God for wisdom, and wait patiently while hiding under His wing, where I'm safe.

Rest in peace our precious Baby Olive

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quick,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And know that you're the best mom!"

9 weeks

Monday was Spring day. We met some special friends at Spur and had a lovely visit. Still a bit nippy but I was brave and wore my gorgeous new yellow top from Elmarie. My first new maternity blouse. So super comfy. I'm a bit low on maternity clothes as I didn't keep any after Ruby. We didn't think we were gonna have more babies back then. But I do have some over size clothes that will work for a while. Just so nice getting something brand new, you know ...

It's been a lovely week so far. Still no nausea. I know I'm going on and on about it. But for my last 5 pregnancies I was super sick till at lest 12 weeks. So this is just such a relief. I'm so chuffed to have found a "cure" for the horrible morning sickness that caused me soooooooo much discomfort before.

 Something I've been CRAVING is long hot baths. It is just so relaxing and soothing. Girls most of the time hop in and join me, not quit as relaxing then, but still nice. I add a cup of Epson salt to my water for added Magnesium and it soothes muscles. I also add 3g vit C to neutralize chlorine in water and 5ml Bentonite clay that attach to heavy metals in water and stay away from my skin. Just so awesome. 

How many weeks pregnant ? 9
Date ? 1 September
How many day till due date ? 217 days
How big is baby ? a green olive
Showing yet ? Nope
Milestones baby reached during this week ? Fingers are not webbed any more and baby's little heart fully developed by now 
Pregnancy sighs ? only tiredness at times and a new one ... constipation ! Ugh, not pleasant :( Been eating flax seeds and chia seeds for breakfast and lots more water, seems to help
Any cravings ? Milk
Any aversions ? Sugary things
Best moment this week ? Wearing my gorgeous new yellow top on spring day, fist maternity piece
Emotions this week ? Very moody ... sorry people :(
Clothes ? same, size 14
Baby movements ? no
What do I weigh ? 79 kg
Things I would love to buy for baby ?
Kids this week ? Good week, but Ruby still a terrible little 2 year old, being soooooo difficult
Boy name ? Remembered a name I loved when I was younger ... Elliot. I really like this one
Girl name ? Emma Rose
Sleep ? Struggle to fall a sleep, but once in dream land it's a smooth trip to morning. So awesome that all my girls sleep thru, didn't think that was ever gonna happen.
Dreams ? Dreamt I woke up 9 weeks pregnant but had a beautiful huge 30 weeks tummy. I loved it
How I'm feeling in general ? Really good. Not feeling pregnant yet
Special foods and supplements ? Magnesium oil, Nerobion Vit B's, Sportron multi vits, Stinning nettle tea. Convinced the Mag oil combined with B vits are keeping nausea away. OMW so awesome to not feel sick all the time. Never experienced that during this stage of pregnancy, as I was always super nauseous at this stage.

8 weeks

I must say I am so happy to not have heavy morning sickness. Except for feeling queasy now and then I'm feeling great. The tiredness still a issue at times ... one I cant do anything about so I just push through it.

I am so happy to be a 8 weeks. So happy to know my little baby is growing inside me. I feel so healthy and relaxed. This pregnancy surly is off to a great start !!!

We went for a ultra sound this week. Lexi was fascinated about what Heidi was doing and barely looked at the screen, cause all she was interested in was the devise Heidi was gliding over my tummy. She was nervous it would hurt and wanted to know why my tummy was wet (gel they use). Ruby was so snotty with flu and barley interested. Lily was so disappointed that she  couldn't see anything looking like a baby. We weren't able to see much unfortunately. BUT what we did see was a teeny tiny little flickering which was the heart beating. Oh man, soooooooo precious !!!!!!! Heidi said baby had a good strong implantation and luckily at the top of my uterus  far away from my cervix (the exit). Baby measured to just over 7mm, oh my gosh how sweet.

 
Even though you cant see much on these images I look at them and remember seeing that little heart beating. It really touched me so much. After my recent miscarriage I think I didn't really connect yet with my pregnancy and it hasn't felt real. I think I've been trying to protect myself from getting hurt again, by not getting attached. OMW but when I saw that little heart beat all protective barriers melted and I fell in love ... hopelessly !!!! Since that moment I've been very emotional and I feel so in touch with my little baby. It was love a first sight and no turning back or taking it slow my heart belongs to that little 7 mm baby.


At 8 weeks our baby is now a fetus, meaning "little one". Baby has a strong heart beat, and can you believe it baby's taste buds are developing this week.


How many weeks pregnant ? 8
Date ? 25 Aug
How many day till due date ? 224 days
How big is baby ? 7 mm, that a tiny little human :)
Showing yet ? Nope
Milestones baby reached during this week ? Baby's heart started beating
Pregnancy sighs ? only tiredness at times
Any cravings ? Coriander, Brinjals. In general I'm a lot more hungry and nibbling all day. 
Any aversions ? Sugary things
Best moment this week ? Seeing our little baba for the first time
Emotions this week ? Happy and content and anxious and emotional ... 
Clothes ? same, size 14
Baby movements ? no
What do I weigh ? 79.5 kg
Things I would love to buy for baby ? Need to look for a proper digital bottle warmer.
Kids this week ? Everybody had flu, ugh not fun !!! Lucky not me yay !!!!
Boy name ? Daddy did not like Cody. Other favorites Noel and Joel and Liam
Girl name ? Emma Rose
Sleep ? Struggle to fall a sleep, but once in dream land it's a smooth trip to morning. So awesome that all my girls sleep thru, didn't think that was ever gonna happen.
Dreams ? Dreamt I ran into a long lost friend and we had such a awesome visit
How I'm feeling in general ? So overwhelmed when I remember I'm preggies, Can't believe it true
Special foods and supplements ? Magnesium oil, Nerobion Vit B's, Sportron multi vits, Stinning nettle tea. Convinced the Mag oil combined with B vits are keeping nausea away. OMW so awesome to not feel sick all the time. Never experienced that during this stage of pregnancy, as I was always super nauseous at this stage. 

7 weeks

Its been a good week. I just get so tired at time and just cant rest with girls. So that's a bit tough at times.

With all my pregnancies it so amazes me that a tiny little human, smaller than a Smartie can suck the life out a adult like myself.  How on earth can I get so tired to grow something so small, he-he !!! But yeah, it's actually the hormone relaxin that's the culprit behind it all. 

During pregnancy, the busy placenta produces a hormone called relaxin that helps your whole body physically become a bit looser. You need to seriously increase your flexibility down in your fetus's living quarters because, during pregnancy, your uterus grows from about the size of a tennis ball to the size of a beach ball. Relaxin relaxes the intrauterine ligaments, allowing the uterus and pelvis to expand. Relaxin also relaxes other parts of your body, like your arteries, which have to accommodate a much higher blood volume without sending your blood pressure through the roof. Your musculoskeletal system also loosens up, giving you more flexible joints and more curvature in the back to prepare for carrying and delivering a baby.

I do think it's an awesome hormone with a very important function I just wish it didn't make me feel like Dopy :)   

We had great fun doing this photo in freezing weather and August winds. Idea was for all 3 girls to throw Smarties up in the air, but Lily was the only one that did it on "three" :)

How many weeks pregnant ? 7
Date ? 18 Aug
How many day till due date ? 231 days
How big is baby ? size of a Smartie
Showing yet ? Nope
Milestones baby reached during this week ? Baby's hear started beating
Pregnancy sighs ? Flashes of slight nausea, tiredness and had some headaches :(
Any cravings ? Coriander, eating it on everything specially salads
Any aversions ? Sugary things
Best moment this week ? Took a long bath with all 3 girls tonight and they all spoke to baba through my tummy
Emotions this week ? Good and calm
Clothes ? same, size 14
Baby movements ? no
What do I weigh ? 79.5 kg
What's dad doing this week ? He surprised me with a beautiful Mexican Bola Ball
Things I would love to buy for baby ? a pram
Kids this week ? Ruby still very moody, other 2 fine. Ruby says hallo to through my tummy very often, so sweet
Boy name ? I so like Cody, but doubt daddy will, haven't even mentioned it
Girl name ? Emma Rose
Sleep ? Very good
Dreams ?  I dreamt I started bleeding, ugh was so upset when I woke. But so relieved it was just a nightmare
How I'm feeling in general ? Good
Special foods and supplements ? Magnesium oil, Nerobian Vit B's, Sportron multi vits, Stinning nettle tea

4 Weeks

It's been a while for me to write on my blog. Life was just very busy and I was just dealing with lots of stuff. But I have a super good reason to start bogging again ...

I'm preggies again ... whoo whoo !!!! So excited and happy

I have only told my close friends yet. Will announce it after my 12 week scan when I know if baby is a boy or girl ...

I plan to do a collage of weekly photos of me and baby growing (showing my bump). This is the first photo taken the day we found out.

I will also answer the following questions weekly just for fun

How many weeks pregnant ? 4
Date ? 27 July
How many day till due date ? 252 days
How big is baby ? size of a poppy seed 
Showing yet ? Nope
Milestones baby reached during this week ? Attached and staying !
Pregnancy sighs ? Flashes of slight nausea
Any cravings ? No
Any aversions ? No
Best moment this week ? Getting a positive test and my girls sharing it with me
Emotions this week ? Very high, very excited 
Clothes ? same, size 14
Baby movements ? no
What do I weigh ?79kg
What's dad doing this week ? same old same old
Things I would love to buy for baby ? Sophie teether
Kids this week ? Ruby very moody, other 2 fine
Sleep ? Good
Dreams ?  I dreamt had twins
How I'm feeling in general ? Nervous and happy and sooooo relieved
Special foods and supplements ? Magnesium oil

Waiting to hold my Levi again ...

This song describes how I feel about me going through this miscarriage. I say "going through this miscarriage" because I am still going trough it and I think I probably will for the rest of my life. I think I will long for him to be born forever ... to hold him and know him. I won't loose him even tho I've lost him for now. Everyday of my life I'll be waiting actively, as if it's an activity,  to hold and touch him and raise him. I want to wake up in heaven and find him 12 weeks old and raise him from that moment. I am not prepared to loose a moment of his life. To me this is just a "pause" that will continue !! Till then I long for him, but content and at peace that I will have my baby with me, and in my arm again.

Levi's full life

In November 2013 we heard God whisper in our hearts to have  another baby. We thought we heard God say it would be a girl and we should call her Emma Rose. We conceived that same month with great excitement.

14 weeks later, on 9 Feb 2014 we were visiting friends for the afternoon. During the afternoon I saw I was having some light spotting and also had some mild cramps. We got home around 8pm, and I saw more blood. I told JP this was not good but I'm sure it will be better in the morning. I went to bed around 10pm. From around 1am the next morning I woke up from very painful cramps. I rolled up into a ball shut my eyes as tight as possible and kept on saying its fine, maybe I'm dreaming. I did not acknowledge the pain cause that would mean I know what was about to happen. And I will NOT have a miscarriage. The pain got so intense I couldn't lie still thru the contraction being so painful but I still thought it was a nightmare and I must just NOT open my eye or get up cause that would mean I give in to what was happening. I was so scared. At around 2:30am I got up to go drink 2 Panados and drink water. I could barely stand thru each contraction, so I rushed back to my dark bed and  tried to sleep so the morning could come and with light all would be ok. I was laying there thinking everything will be ok and then my water broke ... so did my heart into a million pieces  ... I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and felt my tiny tiny baby being born. I took him with my one hand. I looked at the baby in my hand, and sobbed. This was not happening. This is not right. Not me. Other people have miscarriages ... not me. The only thing that consoled me was that it was the most beautiful little wonder I've ever seen. Under 3 months old, I haven't even started showing yet, but still this perfectly formed little human was hidden deep inside of me.  So small yet so perfect. Little ears, fingers and a penis. That gave me a shock. Why does Emma have a penis ...
I called JP and he walked into the toilet seeing our precious son in my hand. His eyes was so sad, it made my stomach turn. He just said "I'm so sorry my love."  I got my camera and took photos of my beautiful baby.

Capturing this photo was nothing short of a miracle, but in the chaos, weak and with bloody hands I just had to. Perfection like this had to be captured. Thank God I got some photos to share with you the miracle of life, normally hidden away.


Even though we barely made a sound all three the girls woke up. They felt something happened. I put my baby boy down and made the girls each a bottle of tea, and we layed down with them till they settled. I felt the placenta coming and went back to the toilet. Some blood and placenta did come out. I took a quick bath. JP and I went to sit on the couch and had a cup of tea and talked a bit. JP had to go to work as they had a mayor shipment to go out that day and there was just no other way. He woke Justin to come and sit by me, and left for work. I went back to the toiled and a gush of blood and placenta came out, and I bled so much I was so frightened beyond words.  I started getting very dizzy, sweating profusely, my whole body tingling. I could barely breath, and felt I was loosing consciousness. I had no strength to talk or move. Just at that moment a fresh cool breeze came thru the toilet window and I soaked it up. I came to. It took all my strength to get up and go to lounge. Justin met me half way and helped me to the couch. I was grey in color and so weak. He open all the window and the fresh air was my saving grace.
We talked a bit and Justin was frantically searching on the ipad what to do after such great blood loss. But slowly I felt better after he made me a smoothy. 
Thank goodness the girls slept a till 7:30. By then I was ok. To weak to get up, but ok. Justin and Annah gave them breakfast and they sat by me, not knowing what happened. I had no strength and was just so weak. I was still bleeding but stable. Took me forever going to the bathroom and back, could barely walk so weak.

Later that morning I told the girls what happened and showed them their brother. They were in love at first sight. They were also amazed at the wonder of such a perfect little human.

They each got a turn to hold him and kiss him good buy. His little body was starting to deteriorate by the hour and I wanted to put him to rest.  

 In Lily's hand

In Lexi's hand

They just didn't want to let go. They were so overwhelmed by his beauty. This experience have build there faith and they are in awe of how amazing God is to make a little human this perfect.

For the rest of the day I sat on the couch and was just served by friends and Justin. We cried and talked and watched DVD's and just chilled. I had a few times where I was about to faint again, but by the end of the day I was strong enough to walk outside.

JP managed to get away from work around 3pm and he bought a beautiful pot and a Olive tree on his way home. Lily made Levi a little bed on purple velvet in the bottom of the pot. We wrapped him in blue tissue paper.  We planted our Olive tree with Levi.   

Our Olive tree is right outside my kitchen door. We say hallo to Levi every time we walk by. The kids put toys, flowers, feathers, stuffed animals and anything special to them in and around the pot.

Based on his measurements at birth it is estimated that Levi's heart stopped at around 12/13 weeks. Babies stop growing the moment their hearts stop. Just before his conception I felt God say I should NOT go for a sonar during this pregnancy. God knew if I would go for a 12 week sonar I would be told that he is no longer alive and that it would be torment waiting for nature to take it's course. I would not have done a D&C as I would want my baby to be born into my hands and be with us. I would want him to be born in dignity and surrounded by love. I was very ill the last 2/3 weeks before his birth, possibly because he was no longer alive and my body was under stress preparing his birth. It was a difficult pregnancy with loads of nausea. I experienced it as a full term pregnancy. I really struggled to get to 14 weeks. 

14 weeks might seem like a short time. But Levi lived a full life. His life was nothing less than a old man dying at 80 who had a full and rich life with love and purpose. And this might sound strange, but I believe for the purpose God created this little boy, his life was the perfect time. He needed to live 14 weeks to fulfill his created purpose. And then he was done and moved on as a happy, content person, just the same as the old man of 80. 

2 days after his birth his purpose has already started with a ripple effect. Most amazing thing happened. I sent my friend who does 4D sonars, the above photos. One of her patients were a mom who wanted to have an abortion, being accompanied by her mother, who hoped the sonar would convince her to not do the abortion. A sonar doesn't really show the detail of her 12 week old baby, and didn't change her opinion. My friend then showed her the email and the photos, and she decided she couldn't go thru with an abortion. If Levi lived longer he would not have had much impact cause most abortions are done before 12 weeks and he shows the miracle of life at that age. The clinic nurse where my friend worked  was so touched by the photos she wants to print them and show it to woman who come in planning abortions and hopefully convince them otherwise. At the age of 12 weeks he has already saved one life, and hopefully many more. He is not with us anymore but the ripple effect of his life is savings lives. 

During my pregnancy I thought if this was a boy I would call him Levi, never really thinking about it, cause it wouldn't be a boy. I've been reading up on the meaning of the name that mysteriously dropped into my heart. In the old testament you will find the tribe of Levi. One of the 12 tribes. The Levites served at the Tabernacle. They were not counted for military service in the armies of Israel, but were set apart for service to God. God was the unique inheritance to the Levites. He was the focus of their service, the source of their sustenance, and the significance of their calling. Their inheritance included cities, daily food, and a constant vocation, but it did not include the same type of land inheritance given to the other tribes of Israel.

I now realize my little Levi was truly set apart for service to God.

I also believe Levi took the place of his sister Emma still to come. None of us experienced loss during this. Because we didn't loose Emma. Her name is still on her wall and we still talk of her as if she's coming. This little baby who was born at 14 weeks was not our Emma. But God sent Levi because He knew my pregnancy would only last 14 weeks. Levi was created to live 14 weeks, and have a legacy saving other lives. He saved Emma's life with his. 

I have fallen in love with this little boy instantly and morn for him, but I am so proud of my boy. He has tough me so much overnight. There are times I miss him so much I cant breath. I cant wait to get to heaven and pick him up in my arm and just hold him, telling him how awesome he is !

Levi stands in full time ministry, and may his life be a blessing to this world. Feel free to share his story.